05: The long-distance open (Pt. 2)
[2-minute read]
It was on our way home from a road trip to Cherryville on Canada Day long weekend that I realized I was in love. And sadly, I haven’t let myself feel that since.
I wrote a poem about it, called The Wolves.
As planned, at the end of the summer, he drove off.
I spent the fall returning to a new season of teaching dance in an upper-middle-class suburb about an hour outside Vancouver, B.C.
After driving east and visiting the ex-girlfriend, he called me and let me know the flame was out. For once and for all.
He invited me to Toronto to see him before he left. We saw the Glass Animals play at the Horseshoe Tavern — and yes, I ordered A&W from the interior walk-up window (if you know, you know).
We said goodbye, both open to the idea that I might meet him in Europe come mid-December.
It was I who suggested “don’t-ask-don’t-tell.” What I meant was: as long as no one asked, no one had to tell.
But if someone does ask, what then? I hadn’t, or maybe we hadn’t, thought it all the way through.
So when my feelings started to change, I spoke up. “Hey. I know I told you I didn’t want to know. But now I do.”
I learned I have very little tolerance for insincerity. I can feel it before it’s admitted — in tone, in timing, in the way truth starts to dodge.
As a dancer who also enjoys writing, expressing emotion is the whole shtick. Without that kind of authenticity, my cortisol spikes. My anxious attachment grows.
Of course, there came a period when he became harder to reach. A woman’s intuition always knows. When I’d ask, he’d offer excuses. When I leaned in, offering plenty of off-ramps, he doubled down. Finally, I named what I was feeling, and it pressed him to give it up.
He came clean. Or at least part of the way.
I took that to a counsellor to help me decide whether I should still go meet him in Europe, or let him do his own thing.
Ultimately, I saw the part I’d played in the dynamic and set some new standards of honesty and transparency moving forward. We agreed to reset — and continued planning a trip together.
On December 14, 2014, I jumped on a plane.
Up next >> Chapter 06: Helsinki Café (the Avalanche)…
